Wednesday, 30 September 2009

September 30st

Sub-Humans has left

After a week with sub-humans staying, they have now left and thing is back to normal. The sub-humans behaved purrfectly, but their lack of true animal company did force the animal into teaching. Thank heavens they are all so patience, oh yes, the sub-humans as well. They are actually missed.

The Model Cat say: “We do off course enjoy having sub-humans staying, but honestly, it does mean a lot of extra work, and that keeps us from doing our regular job, like the news.”

Pleasant? Visit

At Sunday we got a very surprising visit. 6 small pheasant kids was observed close to the chicken house. Unfortunately they where observed at a hunt day, so when no mother was observes there has been wondered whether she had been the victim of some shots heard earlier the same day.

The Spokehen say: “They were adorable and very well behaved. They are welcome back whenever they feel for it, hopefully together with their mother.”

Soup day

Everybody hates hunt days, but for some it is actually worse than others. The Pigs is spending these days in their fenced part of their garden, being bored. Several tries have been made to brighten their day, but not all are that successful. Still being fed their favourite food, soup, does help…. For a very short period……

The Big Daddy say: “sooooo boooored, just soooo booored …….. hmmmmm do I smell soup?”


Some days ago the Lady Dog got herself a backpack. The special ordered item is now her biggest pride and she refuse to leave the house with out it. In the future she is even planning to put something into it.

The Dog say: “hah! Like I couldn’t wear a backpack myself, if I wanted. Let me tell you, I do not want to!!


We are all looking forward to marked day, most of us because it means a quit time with out the dogs, the dogs because they are hocked on going out to the local bar. They are not exactly teetotal. Therefore everybody got hugely disappointed when our car met the car parade filled with the people wearing orange west’s. The wild boar hunters. Fare enough they promised to stay off our property, but even the sad dog agreed that they had to turn around and go back to their duty as “ready to bark at moments notice”.

The Lady Dog say: “Oh well, at least I got to carry the backpack. So maybe I did not get to show it off, but hey, it is always next time.”

Number off eggs today: 3

Weather forecast

A little windy and some clouds looks like they are getting closer, but so far the sun is still shining and the temperature is just purrfect.

The Dogs recommends you to enjoy the last bit of summer.



Please be advised that my body is not under any circumstances fat. Only some very inexperienced individuals will make the mistake and get my huge mussel mass confused with fat. I can off course not say the same for all the other pigs around this property.

Anti mud

We are in search of a mud-remover installation. The installation need to be able to be fit in both cat- and dog flap. Further the installation need to be silent, odour free and can under no circumstances disturb the lordship entering their house.

Ref: desperate human slave

Do you want to travel with me?

A young backpack would like to meet someone he can spend all his travelling with. I promise to sweep you off your feet and embrace you.

Ps. Only dog lovers. Ds.

Ref: Backpacking

Monday, 21 September 2009

September 21st

Something Cheesy
The other day the Dogs went off to smell cheese. There was a big festival filled with cheese, and the Dogs did off course want to check it out. The adventure started by going by train, something the Dogs had never done before. Not strangely they showed off to be naturals, even though The Dog insisted he needed to be treated as the posh dog he is, and demanded to be carried onboard.
When they finally arrived at the festival, it was kind of disappointing, as the cheese was placed in a very high altitude. No were in the program was it written that this was a “smell only” festival. Bless the dogs, luckily they are born with quit a positive streak, and wanted to the best of the situation. Charming as they are, they found bits and cheeses on the most surprising places.
Often said at the festival (to the humans disappointment) : “Look at those poor hungry dogs!”

Big Huge visiting
Yesterday the Big Huge was visiting. He arrived with a clean fur and his best intentions. This got him almost all the way there, just a small mishap with a certain Big Daddy, but that was all a huge misunderstanding but Big Daddy explained. In the end The Model Cat still had to sit him down and tell him all the right ways to behave.
The Model Cat say: “I must admit, His manners were great, and he listened carefully to all I had to say.”

Lately a bed has been observed in the kitchen. This is a bed we have been waiting quit a while for. It I important for all cats to have a comfy resting place in between meals, and especially they need somewhere comfy to wait al those time the food is late.
The Chief Cat say: “The only thing I just don’t get is why they went for this tiny bed. Is my tail really supposed to be hanging over the edge like this?”

The hunt is on
Yesterday was the first day in the hunting season, the worst time of the year. We are sorry to yet again have to inform you that the Wild Boar hunters are back, and they are just as ruthless, brainless, incredible selfish and evil as they always been. We hate them! They started off the season by leading the wild boar over the lowest part of our property, which off course meant that we all had to be looked inside. At least they did not run right through our courtyard as they did no less than 3 times last season. If they do, we will call the police, as they have been warned. Unfortunately if they get the dogs over our courtyard as well, it will still be too late for all the animals they meet on there way, and especially our friends the pigs. The Dogs will tare them apart.
If you are wondering why this hunt is so bad, let us inform you that the way they hunt has much in common with the now illegal fox hunt in the UK. It is a lot of self-proclaimed heroes with an equal amount of dogs (brained washed traitors, according to our Dog Department) that scare the Wild Boars in front of them, until they can get them cornered with no escape for the Wild Boars, than they just shoot them down.
Big Daddy say: “This hunt should be forbidden, it is nothing but cruel!”
(For this news we are happy to say that we do not have any photos)

Number of eggs today: 4

Weather Forecast
Grey! Shall the sun stay dressed forever?
The Dogs recommend you to stay safe from both the rain but also those hunters.

Saturday, 19 September 2009

Out of time

I am sorry to inform you that due to intensive travelling, and the fact that the Big Huge Dog is invited to dinner to night, this is only a short news story from us today, as I will be very busy big dog proofing my house the rest of the day.

Yesterday the Dogs begged me to let them borrowing the humans as they wanted to go off and eat some cheese. They were supposed to go by this strange thing called train as well, so I just did not have the hart to say no. I must admit, the thought of a dog free day did not sound to bad either, even though it meant I had to be with out my secretary.

Anyway, they have off course promised to write an article about it, and they have a very short deadline, so I hope to get it out tomorrow.

Next weekend the male human has to go out travelling again, so with my concern in mind, they have invited not only one substitute human, but two. I know they mean it all so well, but afterall, this does mean a lot of extra work for me, so I am afraid the “latest News by TamTam” will be a little shortened. It is not fare for you, I am totally aware of that, but that’s life I have been told.

In the mean time I have (by accident off course) found another e-mail from Big Daddy. You just have to feel sorry for him!

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!

To: george.clooney
Subject: Emils 14
Date: Sun, 23 Aug 2009 11:49:31 +0200

Dear Mr Clooney

While I admire your film I think we can agree that there is not enough pigs i them. Have a suggestion for a film which will solve that. Called Emils 14 it is about a nice goodlooking pig Emil which is let out of jail after being locked up, wrongly accused of foraging for food in the kitchen. After teaming up with the other animals on the farm he gets his revenge by tricking their way into the house and break into both the fridge and freezer at the same time.
With your social emgagement i guess you are also interested in a remake of the "grapes of wrath" It is about some poor hungry pigs wich have to migrate all the way down to the neighboors wineyard in order to get food. And while there eats so much that they get stomach ache.
Talking of remakes, we know that there has been a remake of "the italian job" but that remake smelled worse that a wet dog. Much better to have some brave animals led by a very brave and handsome pig break into the Alba truffel fair in order to steal the fabled Langhe white truffels.

See forward to hear from you
Baron Emil Von Lønnberget und Snickerboden Antonsen Johansen

Wednesday, 16 September 2009

September 16th

Lately the Model Cat has been suffering from insomnia. Everybody knows that the minimum snooze time for a cat in a 24 hours cycle is 16 hours. Unfortunately the Model Cat has been awake for several more hours, and sometimes he really does not sleep more than about 14-15 hours a day. Yesterday he did manage to have a 10,5 with down time, but he was twisting and turning all the time, so he probably only slept for 10 of those hours.
The Model Cat say: “All this trying to sleep makes me to exhausted to sleep.”

The Blond Hen is just getting blonder and blonder. At the same time she does wander off for herself on a regularly basis. Therefore the question has been raised whether she actually have been taking trips to the feather groomer to have her feather highlighted.

The Blond Hen say: “Off course I am not attending a feather groomer! All you need to look as purrfect as me is to get out in the sun, eat healthy and exercise regularly. Off course this does not seem to be the case with my fellow hens around here.”

Raining CriCri’s
Not all type of rains is equally bad. The cricri rain that made a cricri fall on one of the humans is one of the better types of rain we do know of, the best actually. The only bad thing here is that the humans are rather poor hunters so the cricri was last seen running for the woods with a somewhat confused and useless human left behind.
The Cat Department say: “Unfortunately it was also raining water, so no cat where present to help the human, as we were currently otherwise engaged. It is not fair actually, finally a proper and useful rain, and it is wasted on the humans.”

Wet wet wet
After getting her beauty sleep rudely interrupted by rather loud coughing an insulted Primadonna Cat saw no other option than to leave the suddenly uncomfy bed to advantage of the pouring rain outdoors. She did not return until the coughing had ended even though her fur had got pouring wet in the meantime. The very wet cat insisted on a long and intensive towel treatment, but still her fur was a little moist. This moist was luckily rapidly sinking into the duvet she was sleeping at, which unluckily also meant she had to move to a dry spot every 5th minute. This is not normally a big problem, but humans are so slow to react in their down period, and it took several kick sometimes to get the human to move over.

The Primadonna cat said: “Humans can really be so selfish sometimes!”

The pressure is on
The pressure is now really on the Hen Department as the Big Huge Dog (a close friend of the Dogs) yesterday called to order a complete egg supply for his humans for the upcoming winter season.

The Spokehen say: “We here at the Hen Department is off course touched by the Big Huge Dogs believe in us, and equally touched by the way he truly care for his human. Still this is all so new for us, so while doing our best not to let him down we are at the same time quit nervous for undertaking such a big project.”

Number off eggs today: 4
(whereas one of them strangely enough was found in the just emptied pig pool.)

Weather forecast

It looks rather bad. The Sun has still not realized what a bad colour grey is for her complexion and the water keep pouring down.
The Dogs recommend you to try to sleep it through and thing of happy memories from sunnier days.


A very big nestbox with a very low perch is wanted to the Hen house.

Ref: Broken egg


A heated mud pool is urgently needed at the Pigs Castle.

Payment in grapes and nuts found lying around.

Ref: Spa PIGment

Monday, 14 September 2009

September 14th

New addition to the Hen Department.

Yesterday, after a visit to a “small animal marked,” the Hen Department was suddenly doubled in size. If a cat had joined the humans instead of the dogs this would off course never have happened. Still, we all agree, they look adorable, behave properly, and someone even claims that egg is good.

The Rooster say: “My o My! Do this new chicks look amazing. Not that my other chicks don’t look great as well. They most certainly do, but we all agree that 4 chicks is just to little for a Rooster like me. And this personal assitant rooster as well, to take care of the small chicks (he is a small rooster) was just such a thoughtful touch by the humans. I am certainly one proud Rooster today. For full details, please ask for a transcript of my somewhat prolonged 7-9 o’clock speech to my neighbour cockerel.”

PeaceCat back yet again

After a new unnoticed vacation a very wet PeaceCat was demanding food. All cats were gathered to celebrate his arrival with a better meal, just after some serious towel treatment of the earlier run away.

The PeaceCat is currently receiving peaceful guests under his favourite bed, purring peaceful mantras.

The PeaceCat says: “Why is the catflap blocked exactly?”

Police action

Yesterday the dogs were stopped in a routine control. Strangely enough they were

released after their ID chips were found in order. It really is a dog’s world out there.

The Cats says: “What is this? They must have falsified their ID-chips. What about all the report of all their criminal acts we have sent the police through the years? There so is no justice out there.”

Are the dogs not for sale?

While spending the morning with the humans at a “small animal market” the humans were asked if the dogs were for sale. A research theme consisting of the PeaceCat, the Blond Hen, DJ sQil and the Primadonna Cat is now looking into this serious matter after the humans reportedly answered no.

The research theme has given the following statement: “We are by far from finished with our investigation, but it does not look to good on the behalf of the humans. Still we have several witness to hear from, so it really is too early for us to give a final conclusion.”

Diving to new low

Today the Lady Dog managed to do something nobody really thought was possible. She dived into a new low, even for her untrained self. The weather might have been frightening, nobody around here actually enjoy thunderstorms, but from there to break into the PeaceCats favourite room and poo all over his rug, that is absolutely LOW!

(Please note that the photo was taken after the cleaning crew was present.)

The Chief Cat says: “I am actually to flabbergasted to even comment this case, but I can say for all of us, WE ARE CHOCKED!”

Number of eggs today: 4

Yes, you read purrfectly right. Today the Blond Hen decided it was time to lay her very first egg ever. Unfortunately it broke after hitting the ground after some mysterious circumstances, but a very surprised blond hen was seen leaving her nest box in a frighten manner.

Weather forecast

What ever made the sun to get dressed? It is not like we mind being a nudist, not at all actually. She does not look good behind all those nasty looking clouds. Grey is just so not her colour.

The dogs recommend you to find a dry spot and stay there.


General warning for our Langhe members

We here at the United Lizard Association would like to remind all of our members in the Langhe region to remember that with this cold weather currently bothering our area, the local cats have yet again started to hunt. So be aware and do not run across open fields. Several reports of missing tails is arriving at our office daily, we do not need anymore.

Yesterday we were actually informed about a very serious episode were a big lizard was hunted not only by one cat, but by two. He lost half of his tail before he was able to get away.


The Hen Department would like to take this opportunity to welcome their new chick friends and family:

The Gold Hen (named after the colour of the metal, not the value)

The Bronze Hen (named after the colour of the metal, not the value)

The Miss & Miss Twin

The Personal Assistant Rooster

We are so happy to finally have you here amongst us.

Personal ads

Your very proud rooster will like to congratulate my Blond Hen with her very first egg.

I could not be any prouder of you that I am right now. And what an egg!

Sincerely your one and only rooster

Friday, 11 September 2009

September 11th

The Peacecat is finally back home

After 3 days on an unnoticed vacation the Peacecat returned home. Immidiately we all got less tense, as we not only had missed him (some more than others) but we need him to keep the peace going around here.

The Peacecat said: “It is not like I can say that I do not like that new dog, after all I am a peace negotiator, and we do not say such things, but she sure put my patience on a serious test. Therefore I needed to go for a vacation to collect my thoughts and come up with a solution. So I might forgotten to tell anyone about this, as I left in a somewhat hurry, but hey, there was really no reason to get that upset.”

Robbery on bright day

Yesterday a food transport going to the hen house was robbed in bright sunlight. The thieves used the old attack from behind trick, and the transport never saw it coming. After a long fight the transport managed to get free and continued on his way to the hen house, only slightly lighter.

The Spokeshen said: “Calling me a thief just because I had a small pretaste, hah! It was going to be my food anyway. This is outrages! I eat when and where I need to!”

Sneaking snake

Yesterday we heard some strange but quit noisy sound from a bush. We were surprised to see that all the racked was made from what looked to be a tiny snake. After some closer investigation though the snake really was not that small, actually it was the biggest snake we had seen around here with almost 1,5 m and quit a fat tummy. The Model Cat immediately told him where he could sneak of to, and as said he done.

The Model Cat said: “Frighten me? You must be kidding! It just told him what he could do with those so called stripes, and he decided that fleeing was his best option. I could not agree more.”

Good humans

Yesterday the humans went to see some animals that does not live here. We always get nervous these days, as they normally than comes home with some rather silly planes about some new animals they want to invite to stay with us. This time though, they actually got home and talked about these charming animals, but that they did not want them here. Good humans, good humans.

The Chief Cat said: “Normally the humans are quit slow learners, but it is therefore even more rewarding when you see that your teaching actually are paying off.”


4 the chicks

Easter eggs

Egg and Bacon records

Egged on by the rooster, the hens have released a record under the name “4 the chicks”. While a bit eggosentric this is a much better effort than the pigs and might save the bacon for this small record company. Dedicated to the rooster this record was originally due to be released on Virgin record, but then HE grew up. Consisting mostly of acapella versions of old standards such as” Chicken shack”, Little red rooster”,” Shake your tailfeathers”, “which came first(the egg or the hen)” and “fly,fly away” it also has originals of which the best is the sorrowful “you broke my heart when you broke my egg” and a lovely duet with Bastian the cat called “chased by the dog(again)”. While there is no catnip on this record the music is good enough to give you chicken skin AND goosebumps. Can be bought everywhere good chicks meet.

Also available on Egg and Bacon record:

Single from Sofia

Sofia`s song better known as a cover of Motowns “Herd it through the grapevine”

Not very good but then neither is her herding.

Tam Tam The Critick

Number of eggs today: 3


It looks good, so good. I knew that it would!

The Dogs recommend you to take a nap in the sunshine.

Monday, 7 September 2009

September 7th

Training the Lady

The Model Cat is these days working hard with training the Lady Dog to fit with his rules ”For the dogs who want to live with cats.” This is an intensive course but luckily the Lady Dog could not have asked for a more patient teacher than our beloved Model Cat. The course is far from finished, and she is by no means ready for her exams, but we are slowly getting there, and she has now reached the stage where she understand that if the Model Cat needs to have a nap in front of her waterbowl, she better find herself another waterbowl or wait until he is finished with his nap.

The Peacecat says: “If only she could understand that I am a cat as well….”

Shower party

Big Daddy has to support his new status as a rapper pig, started to invite to WILD parties. Yesterday one of his famous shower parties was held in the pool area, and the chicks all come running!.

The Spokehen said: “If you think this party was wild, you should try to get an invite to his “under the table party”. Those are CRAAAAZYYYY!!!!! We just keep on sleeping for hours at end.”

Lip Gloss

Lately the Dog has been observed using a light shade of lip gloss, not only at his lips, but also on his lover nose area. The Lady Dog does not seem to be impressed by this clearly effort to get her attention.

The Dog says: “Maybe I should try a male vet? What do those female know about checking up the ladies anyway?”


Big daddy and DJ sQuil

”The White truffle”

Egg and Bacon records

Available on 8 track cassette at your local Salami seller

The cover consists of the two musicians sleeping rough in a paper box in the Rustico ghetto. However we all know that in reality they have a villa in a nice part of the farm. Even by Italian pig rap standards this record has no meat and is much like their food, vegetarian and as such nothing a cat can sink a tooth into. Unlike the real gangster pigs “the wild boars” their songs of despair about the upcoming hunting season sounds toothless and they do not have the size to pull it off. The normal gangster stuff about getting legless in Parma is also similar tasteless. In order to ham it up they have included the classical tearjerker “Tutto Prosciutto” and even sings in English on “Bubble and Squeak”. But it is only in the classical Scottish lament about food deprivation”Hunting the Haggis” one can hear some real emotions as DJ sQuil really hits the high notes. On the rest of the record they sound even more henpecked than they really are and as empty as their food bowls. But knowing the musical taste of the Italians I expect it to sell in the millions and make the so called musicians laugh all the way to the piggybank.

(Critics by the Model Cat)

The Pig and his religion (by Big Daddy)

It has come to my attention that there are many pigs that do not know which religion to choose. As a very famous pig with many fans I feel that it is my duty to advice all those poor pigs. No pig should be Catholic OR Protestant. Not only do they eat pig but they also talks about clean living and have included gluttony as one of the seven sins! What nerve!

The Jews and Muslims have the common sense to refrain from eating pig. But, both expect you to wear silly headgear and I believe want to remove a part of the anatomy which I believe I do not have, they are just so OUT.

Hindues are our people, almost. Vegetarians mostly just like me, mostly. And they paint a nice mark on the forehead where I have a similar mark. But Holy COWS? They missed out. Which leaves us in the far East, and the only religion for pigs. I myself come from the fare east (Asti province) and I have found that the one to follow is Confucius!!! Everybody tells me that I am easily confused AND everybody tells me that the Chinese is very fond of pigs. This is the one and only religion for us.

Number of eggs today: 3

Weather Forecast

The Sun is still here, but she seem to suffer from a small touch of “burnt out” which makes the temperatures all the more pleasant.

The Dogs recommend you to make the best of the situation before the sun yet again has recharged her batteries.

Saturday, 5 September 2009

September 5th

Mysterious fog

Lately the valley has been troubled with some strange fog covering the whole valley. A surprised research team found the source to be a happy pig being broomed.

The Rooster said: “What is the point in having a nice cosy skin protecting sandbath when you deliberate go ahead and get the sand removed afterwards?”


With the Lady Dog now safely arrived the word WAIIIIIT is now commonly heard around the property. The Lady Dog seems to be a little slow on the uptake, or maybe she is suffering from a bad hearing. Most likely both!

The Lady Dog say: “You know I really do my best, but it is so many really idiotic rules around here. Like: Don’t herd!!! Hello, It is so needed!!”


Today the Model Cat was the victim of an awful incident. A male human had taken position in his favourite chair! Even though he was kindly asked to move, he did not butch. There were no other choice; a new chair (of the exact same type off course) had to be ordered.

The Model Cat say: “He had a sharp paw coming there!”

Big Daddy & DJ sQuil

After being told by some youngsters that they had some really hip hipmovement the pigs snuck in to the livingroom to do some research. After watching MTV the pigs are from now on known simpley as Big Daddy (previous known as the Chief Pig) and DJ sQuil (previous known as Tiny Pig).

Big Daddy asks: “Do anyone know where I can get my trotters on a fancy BIG FAT gold collar?”

Flying high!

The Spokeshen is practicing her flying skill. The skill improved highly after she found a start ramp up in the rustico, and the happy hen can now be observed flying all the way from the rustico to the back of the car. She is the only long distance flyer hen at the hill.

The Spokeshen say: “I’d love to fly even longer. If only I can find a way to get up on the roof…”


The humans have lately been seen enjoying their new drink, invented in the honour of our late dog Pilota.

Please feel free to enjoy it yourself.

1 part Tequila

1 part Contreu

2-3 parts spumante

Stir together and poor into a glass filled with ice. Remember the official garnish (see photo).

Number of eggs today: 3

Weather Forecast

Some local fog can occur around pigs, otherwise HOT as the sun is in its normal naked self.

The Dogs recommend you to don’t run around.